Eary warning signs your son is gay

THIS IS TRUE- Man attacks cops with his, um, penis

Friday, March 17, 2006

By Eric Herman
Staff writer
Sun-Times News Group

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Before Chicago cops threw the book at him, Jakub Fik threw something unusual at them — his penis.

Fik, 33, cut off his penis during a Northwest Side rampage Wednesday morning. When confronted by police, Fik hurled several knives and his severed organ at the officers, police said.

Officers stunned him with a Taser and took him into custody. Fik told paramedics that he was distraught over problems with his girlfriend in Poland, police Sgt. Edward Dolan said.

"We took him out without any serious injury, with the exception of his own," Dolan said.

Doctors at Northwestern Memorial Hospital reattached Fik's penis later Wednesday, sources said. He was listed in good condition Thursday, according to a hospital spokesman, who declined to comment further.

Fik is charged with two counts of aggravated assault and one count of criminal damage to property, police said.

Dolan said officers arrived on Fik's block at 8:20 a.m. Wednesday after receiving reports that he was smashing car windows. Fik then broke into a house down the block, and several officers assembled in front of the house, whose occupants were not home, Dolan said.

Fik was bleeding when the officers arrived and may have already cut off his penis, Dolan said.

"At that point, this guy came running out, naked, with a handful of knives ... and started throwing knives at the police officers who were 10, 20, 30 feet away," Dolan said.

He said Fik also threw his penis during the confrontation, went back into the house and re-emerged with "another handful of knives."

Dolan sneaked to the side of the bungalow's front steps and stunned Fik with the Taser. Fik fought back when officers tried to restrain him, he said.

"About 10 feet from the front porch, right on the sidewalk, was his penis," Dolan said.

Dr. Greg Bales, associate professor of urology at the University of Chicago, said severed penises are uncommon but surgery usually works.

"As long as the penis is placed on ice and reattached within a few hours, the success rate is usually pretty good," Bales said.

Sun-Times News Group

my commentary:

and his gf is in poland? probably an internet relationship....lol

what a dick(oops less)head!

'nuff said

peace (that's PEACE, not PIECE.....lol) out

WTF? part deux

she comes back on yahoo after the cops leave her....what the fuck's up with leaving her there?

she rags on me for calling the cops, THEN spills out to me WHY she wants to die now.

she had terminal cancer. So she's not long for this world, whether by her own hand or nature's.

She's obviously out of it, she accused me of leaving stupid messages on her phone, ( I no longer have her # anyway) and accused me of lying about my name. She has known my name for 3 yrs. but the cops gave her a diff as to who called in. Well it turns out I'm not the only one who called the cops, and they gave her the other guy's name.

So, I thought, well...if you want to be a self pitying bitch about it....

there's obviously nothing I can do to keep her from off'n herself, and she's gonna die anyway from cancer OR....so I washed my hands of the whole thing.

cold hearted, yeah, I know, but I have no sympathy for stupidity, as those of you who know me are fully aware, and she coulda got treatment in time to stop the cancer but wouldn't. SOOOO.....I could care less at this point.

Marriage Proposal

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that...

Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five *whole* minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01 And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02 I will never ask for more *foreplay*.

Section 2. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault.
Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01 I shall mention *often* your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02 And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01 I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01 I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02 I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03 I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04 I promise to shave every *possible* inch of my body, and will always love your *weekend* beard...

Section 6. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

Section 6. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women.
I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything *mechanical*.

Section 6.01 With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

Signed ____________________________________ (female)

WTF?

WTF is it about girls that make them want to come to ME and tell ME they're about to off themselves?

This one girl I used to talk to all the time on yahoo, started going psycho on me about a year ago, so I cut her off my list.

I didn't block her though, just deleted her off yahoo.

Tonight she tells me she's committing suicide.

I check her profile on collarme, and sure enough, there is a suicide note in her journal entry.

So I call the cops in propect KY and give them all the info I have on the girl, and they're out searching for her.

hopefully she'll get a padded cell and some counciling.

If the cops find her, this will be the 2nd time in 7 yrs that I have had cops rescue a girl in middle of her suicide attempt.

I'm supposed to call back in 15 min or so to see if they have located her.....more to come

peace out

update, cops found her, they're with her as I am writing this

A Pug's life

My roommate Lois, has a fawn colored pug about 10 yrs old. She's had one litter.

Well Sabrina is getting old and feeble, and Lois has always wanted a black pug. Well this friend of hers who breeds pugs, had a pregnant female, and last Selene (the black pug) gave birth to one male. At least one other was stuck, and wouldn't come out.

Stacy, the owner tried all day, 3 diff vets took money from her to look at the dog and bled her dry of $, and didn't do jack shit for her since she didn't have $800 up front. So she drove like 110 miles in falling snow to come up to us to see what Lois could do. Lois put her fingers up in Selene and felt a foot, but no pulse. She thought maybe there was one behind that who couldn't get out.

So off to the vets we went. This doc was so good, he didn't soak us for money, and he didn't even x-ray, he knew what he had to do and that was an emergency C-section and spay while in there.

Well half an hour later, the news came, that the one Lois felt the foot of was a total breach and dead, had it's back to the birth canal, and was absolutely HUGE. Selene would never have gotten it turned around let alone pass a St. Bernard through a cat door.

In exchange for Lois's help finding a vet who would help, Stacy is giving Lois the mom, and Lois is keeping the pup only untill Selene stops feeding, then the pup is going back to Stacy.

The pup's name is Miracle, which is very appropriate, considering.

Selene is a lil cutie, I have to admit. First thing she does is pee on the carpet....lol....well duh....when she was in here before we went to the vet. We were expecting to see a rather large bellied, in pain dog. But Selene was running around and playing as though nothing was wrong. I was looking at her like....are you sure she has more in there? But had Lois not felt the other baby in there after I asked that, and decided that a vet was in order, Selene of course would have died. She's only 2 yrs old.

So now, we have a 2 yr old black pug, who is just coming out of the anesthesia, and a 1 day old black pug male who is finally nursing off his mom. And of course Sabrina is being miss lil protector through all this. Everytime she hears Selene whine, she goes running in there to see what's going on.

I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight........lol

you think you're having a bad day? read on

In an Alabama hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors, and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 a.m., on Sunday. So a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.

The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.

Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Still Having a Bad Day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil Spill in Alaska was $ 80,000.00. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.

A minute later, in full view of the well wishers, a killer whale ate them both.

Still think you are having a Bad Day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily married and listening to his Walkman.

STILL think you're having a Bad Day?

Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all 2,000 pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.

What?? STILL having a Bad Day?

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb.

It came back with "Return to Sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

There now, feeling better?

this is too fuckin funny

Our illustriously tongue-tied Prez

How many times is this shithead going to have to fuck up before we impeach his ass?